I may fail 99 times,but I'll get it right the 100th time.

So another day in Lakiya. It was actually an exciting one: we had a team of designers from NYC. The high fashion, they wear their own design types. They were very sweet, and super interested in working with us in some of their future projects. Plus they bought some rugs, which is good in my books. Nevertheless, it kind of felt like project runway. Too bad Heidi Klum didn't come with them.

Yet when all was said and done, we left a bit late at 3 pm. and i was exhausted. As I have been for weeks coming back from Sidreh. Except now it feels more pronounced, and then I realized: it's about the time of year i get burnt out. This is when my dad says : how surprising! It's right about finals time when you ALWAYS felt this way.

I get it. ha. ha. ha. Katie does it again. And there's good reason

1. Work. Crazy busy, takes a lot out of me

2. Visas. trying to stay in a country, esp when you get mixed signals on how to move forward?? NOT FUN. (update: I have now gotten this fixed, and should be able to stay until mid may, really planning on being here til mid april and then peacing for the UK for a few weeks, wanted some flexibility in when I leave though)

3. Peace Corps. they want a lot of stuff. enough said. and i am...abroad. makes life difficult.

4. I am terrible at self-care.

And that my friends is the hardest part. I have a hard time switching off. I'm smart, and a good worker. I like getting things done. But the nature of life: there's always more to do. Sometimes you have to switch off. Take a break, drop out and recharge. And that is very difficult for me.

See: I'm an introvert. Not as in I'm shy, because I don't think I am most of the time. I'm an introvert in that I process my life internally. I need time alone, to contemplate, and reinvigorate myself. It's like I have a pool of water: overstimulation is like someone draining my pool, leaving me with less and less water to drink from. And that's a problem in the desert.

Before: I would power through, and recharge during breaks. This became less and less tenable as time went on, but mostly held true. I am now in the real world: i can't blame finals, and I don't have any breaks (that I know of) coming up. I can't pretend to be sick: I live with my boss (strange when you think about it, but it works).

Even worse, I would do activities that wouldn't make me feel better: junk food, internet, tv. Granted, I still love all 3, but when I am tired they don't soothe me.  I need to change it. So what do I do?

1.  doodle. (perhaps i'll post a photo or two later, I and Ghadir both like my doodles. She's 7 but I think she has good tastes)
2.  sing. preferably adele or mumford and sons.
3. dance
4.  write
5.  meditate

Meditation is actually my favorite. It's a total relaxer, and energizes me like nothing else. Almost better than napping. And today, it was even better, because i felt connected to the whole universe, and that the boundaries weren't really there.

Ok, sounds strange, and vaguely cliched but I believe we were meant to trust each other, and try to act from a place of love rather than fear. To see beyond the action to the reason behind it. I'm not perfect at it: I snap at people, I can still be fearful. I'm not saying to through precaution to the wind. Instead, I challenge myself to try and see the spark of the divine within each person. To start from a place of trust, instead of fear. Like Walid from Akko and Gandhi. While I can't describe it, Souza does by saying, 

Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never been hurt before,
Sing as though no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.

And this is how I believe we are meant to live. If I keep trying to explain, I'll never get it, and this post is long already. But I guess being abroad, and really connecting with myself shows me that I must choose this path, of honesty, of compassion, to come into my own, to be who I was meant to be. I don't think it will ever be easy, but perhaps one day I'll look back on this entry and realize that this wasn't the beginning or an end, but another important junction on my journey.

speaking of journeys: shout out to my amazing friend Meghan who sent me a CARE package. Full of: disposable cameras, spray cheese (which i have never eaten before), sun tan lotion and a book by e.e. cummings. It totally  made my day and I love the E.E. cummings book. And, since I seem to put no photos of my life here, I'm going to add a few below

1 and 2: my room, and all of my clothes. yes. that is basically all i have while here

3. what a bathroom looks like. if you look closely, you'll see it also includes a shower. there's no doors or anything, but the tiles around the shower are little lower and thus the water doesn't roam too much

4. Laundry machines are tiny here. so there's constantly laundry going.

5. A view of Lakiya

Enjoy! and much love,

KAS