Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens” -Khalil Gibran

Hello strangahs! Hows life cookin for ya? I hope it's a delicious and hearty soup. From what I hear, it hasn't been a cold winter, but who doesn't love soup? I'm a bit hungry: it's lunch time here and I ate my snakc earlier :-( Anyways....

A few updates. I am tutoring now 2x a week, soon to be 3 days a week, and maybe the occasional weekend. It will be a nice little supplement to my income, get me off the computer, and get some more free food (Bedouins.. food, drinks, it happens). I enjoy it because I get to be creative (I'm going to be using Kid Cudi as a listening exercise today) and hang out with people (ok, kids, but they're people too).

I am also now on a cool site called cowbird. I will tell other stories from Israel, but it will be a different format. Take a peak here: http://cowbird.com/author/katie-simp/#/me

I also got a massage. Turns out there's a Russian lady people in Lakiya know who lives in Beersheba. Only issue: as a Russian immigrant she speaks like as much English as I do of Hebrew. So: I booked an appt with help from a random man on the other side of the phone. Hopped on the bus, grabbed a taxi and arrived at....a house in a random distant neighborhood. 

So: turns out she has a little (heated) shed behind her house with a bathroom and a table. She has all the oils etc, but it was certainly a different massage experience. Lights weren't dimmed, we listened to the radio. Cain and Lo (aka yes and no) got me through most of the massage. although... she left at one pt to get hot stones... and the door blew open. Thank god her backyard had a fence! All in all, for 45 USD, it was a well spent hour. I had neck pain like it's no ones business.

I'm gonna be honest: right now, I have not been as happy the past few weeks. Let me explain and why saying this (for me) is important. It's like my overall composition of emotions tends toward feeling sad/lonely. Which makes sense: I picked up my life, live in a small town where everyone has their friends and family, plus the language barrier which drives me CRAZAAAAY. 

Note for people picky with their words (ahem "you're cold? I'm Glenn" ahem): I know I am crazy. I delight in my insanity. I think it's awesome, unique, and who I am meant to be. most of you love me for it. Haters are gonna hate. My mother finds it hilarious (which I find hilarious). But for clarification: the language barrier irritates and frustrates me.

So, let me point out the things this doesn't mean

1. I do not regret my decision to come here. In fact: I don't believe in regret. You have to live to figure things out. Sometimes you learn the things you don't want before you learn the things you do. 
2. I don't want to come home right now. Yes, I miss my friends, family, my room, my animals and a dozen other things. But coming home early would be a terrible decision and be a hard adjustment as well.
3. I'm not paralyzed by this emotion: in fact I think it's been helpful to push me to do new things. It's pushed me to take on the tutoring in the afternoons, to travel more, get off my computer after work, and reach out to people.

What this does mean:

1. I'm seriously considering if I want to do the Peace Corps right after my time in Israel. I might need more than 3-4 months before going off again to a foreign country.
2. I need access to a Jewish community. I need that spiritual component in my life. Without it I feel...incomplete. Like I do if all I ate was french fries for lunch. You feel full, but not fed. Also, I miss it a lot.
3. I need to accept that I am not going to fully understand things in Arabic, but I can appreciate what I do get
4. It has provided a nice gauge of what is and isn't working for me, and the things I truly need in the long run. 
5. I am learning to deal with emotions and just being honest about them. Life is not always happiness and perfect. Even if I were in the states, working and surrounded by friends, family, and a Jewish community. Sometimes, I'm just sad. It's not a bad thing to be sad. In fact, it can teach me a lot (as you can see). But most importantly: emotions are fickle and changing. I can appreciate the moment, and know that it will pass, just like everything in life does. 

Number five is not easy. For a long time, being sad for me was A BAD THING. In American, we love happiness. I blame Thomas Jefferson ("pursuit of happiness" REALLY???). How many times have we said "I just want to be happy". I understand the desire, but being happy is a foolish goal. Chasing happiness is like chasing the wind: you have little control over it. 

And then, when you are sad, you are just trying to get rid of it, like ants that have infested your house. Instead of focusing on the food you leave spread around, all you see is OMG ANTS MUST KILL. So, wanting to please and be perfect: I chased happiness and tried to kill sadness. And hid it from friends and family (most of the time) because God forbid I should be unhappy. I swear there was a logic to it, but looking back, it does sound ridiculous.

What I have decided for now. Sadness, just like happiness, will come when it wants and leave when it wants. So I treat it with patience like an old neighbor I don't particularly like, but have come to respect. And it works for me. I do the things I love, and talk with friends and family, and enjoy what I can. Because this is it. Life. This moment. And I am determined to live it intentionally.

And so: I am going to Tel Aviv this weekend. Blow off some steam. Be a twenty something. Meet up with people, and talk only in English and broken Hebrew. I'll have more to tell you afterwards. But I have to say: writing this blog is HIGHLY enjoyable. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. If you don't: stop wasting your time. As always: feel free to leave comments, email me if you want to make this a conversation.

Much love!

KAS